Reflections

Because the crisp air and change of season gives birth to fresh thoughts, because my kids are simultaneously sleeping, and since dinner has been prepared, dishes washed, laundry folded... I take some time to reflect.

First, God gives life through quiet moments. I used to keep a journal pretty religiously. During my college years I would spend at least an hour most mornings sifting through Scripture, meditating, writing out my prayers, and in the quiet of the morning a top the Lookout Mountain overlook directly outside my dorm, I would listen. The listening would last as long, sometimes longer, than the reading and writing, and through those times of quiet stillness the Holy Spirit would guide and direct me - leading me into a deeper knowledge of my Lord.

As I think now about advice I would give to single women who desire to one day be married and have children, one thing I would say is - take those quiet moments as often as you can. Drink them in and store them up, because one day when your mornings start before the sun and your nights are sometimes as busy as the day, they will feed your soul. Just as am I blessed now by the Scripture I memorized as a child, I am also blessed by my quiet moments from 10 years past.

Second, it is a grace to have tangible evidence of God's faithfulness to me throughout the years. I am so thankful to have kept a journal, taking time to write about the Lord's workings in my life, and recording my prayers as much as possible, because these things, too, have returned a blessing to me in the future.

Every once in a while I open a journal from years, months, days passed and sit down to remember. Through this exercise God is always faithful to remind me that He is with me, that He answers prayers, that His path is far better than any I could carve out for myself. The Lord fills each day with artistic detail, and as we go we are constantly catching snipets of His beauty, His glory, His gentleness. Since my capacity to remember is low, if I never write these snipets down, I will inevitably forget about them. What a joy to be reminded of God's faithfulness by reading prayers from years ago and seeing today the intricate unfolding and answering of those very prayers.

This excerpt is taken from my journal to my daughter. It was written on November 1st, 2006 (while she was still in the womb)...

My darling little one. Today we celebrate 13 weeks of your precious life, and even in beginning to express how thankful I am for who you are and who you will become, I am moved beyond tears. How I love you and have hoped, prayed, and longed for your life before I ever knew there was a possibility that you might exist. You are a gift and a miracle.

Your father and I wanted to keep a journal throughout this pregnancy to lay ourselves bare before you, to keep an account of this journey from pregnancy to infancy, and to document our deep joy in being entrusted to you by our heavenly Father. You are a gift and a miracle...

Anyone who has an exceptionally creative, imaginative, and active child knows that some days are heavier with discipline, correction, and "no" than grace and "yes." If you have a child who thinks of washing her hands with toothpaste, making her own babyfood (for her babydoll) while your in another room breastfeeding, asking if she can paint the playdough - the wall, and even your clothes, then you know what it's like to have days that end feeling heavier in discipline than in living life. At the end of a day like this it is a grace to go back to her beginning, and to remember tangibly that she is a gift and a miracle, and that I am so thankful for who she is and who she will become!

Third, God gives life in loud moments and busy days. I am often tempted in the midst of busyness to return to Eden. I want to sit in the Garden, to enjoy God's presence, to experience the unashamed nakedness, and have the time to spend my days with and before my Father. This desire often becomes an idol - something I feel like I need in order to be right with God and my family - so much so that if I have a sick child (or two sick children) that requires my physical attention all day and through the night - I start trying to find ways to escape my present situation and run to this Eden under the falsity that I can not meet God unless I am in the midst of a quiet moment.

It seems appropriate that I end in the middle of this thought - allowing myself to be interrupted by the sounds of my precious daughter waking up from her afternoon nap. I can't wait to see what the afternoon holds. :)